I Hate Feeling Defeated in a Way That I Engage in Battles with Too Little Chance to Win
… and I don’t regret it
Scene
“What’s wrong with you? Don’t be reckless?” Dr. Ji-Hong’s voice rang out, filled with concern.
“I will do it,” he added, urging Dr. Yoo, his fellow doctor, who wanted to perform a tricky cerebral aneurysm surgery instead of merely assisting.
“It’s my fight. I don’t walk away from a fight,” she replied with a resolute determination in her eyes. “Don’t worry. I only fight when I know I will win.”
— Doctors
Thought
How amazing it would be to have the unwavering confidence of Dr. Yoo! Yet, for many of us, myself included, reality often paints a different picture.
When I engage in a battle, there are moments when my hope takes a leisurely stroll in the park while my confidence stumbles around in the dark.
So why do I persist in these battles while doubting my abilities and the potential outcome?
For most folks, it’s simple: victory. But for me, the fight is not just about winning; it’s about my aversion to feeling helpless. And that’s a different story.
I despise the feeling of powerlessness that washes over me when I witness loved ones suffering or missing out on their potential, and I can’t swoop in to save them or improve their reality. I hate the inability to turn back time and fix past mistakes or catch missed opportunities.
Dwelling on these dilemmas without finding solutions drags me down and accentuates my sense of defeat. But the past can’t be changed. Should I cry over spilled milk?
Well, perhaps briefly, but then I’d rather set new plans and chase after fresh dreams than accept the role of a loser or victim.
New dreams mean new rays of hope, new chances, and new reasons to get out of bed in the morning.
So, I cooked up a dream of shedding some pounds, which I’ve been chasing since forever. It feels like I’m on a treadmill to nowhere. Just as I’m about to reach my goal, a setback occurs, and I have to start from square one.
And then there’s my dream of making a livelihood, or at the very least, a decent income from content creation. I rolled up my sleeves, kissed my social life goodbye, and dedicated my full time to it. Medium even sprinkled some bonuses on top for the top writers, and I managed to win the reward three times and reached an income of $669 in July 2021 from the platform.
This increase in my earnings filled me with joy. But then, they decided to pull the rug out from under me and yank those bonuses away. Talk about throwing me back to level one in this crazy game.
I had to adjust my goals and focus on what I control. After all, content creation isn’t just about fattening up people’s wallets; it’s about my personal growth too.
Some of my fellow writers raised the white flag, disillusioned by their Medium earnings. But not me! I charted my own course and refused to follow suit. I returned to my full-time job and continued creating content as a side hustle. I saw it as a chance to focus on polishing my pieces without worrying about financial stability.
As I dialed back to publishing just a few stories each month, those numbers on the Partner Program dashboard decided to go on a rollercoaster ride. Now, I’ve got my sights set on earning three digits per month again.
Just as I was closing in on that target, Medium pulled a fast one, revamping their Partner Program strategy and putting a premium on well-crafted human stories. I embraced this change, poured my soul, and dedicated long hours, and even days, to each of my pieces.
A new month dawns, and with eager anticipation, I check out the Medium Partner Program page, hoping to see the fruits of my labor.
“Last month, I unleashed my 150th masterpiece on Medium since I embarked on this journey in 2018. What’s the verdict for August 2023?” I inquire.
Then, Medium drops the bombshell. “Your tireless efforts have earned you… $22.”
Ouch!
Another painful punch. Another colossal roadblock, tempting me to throw in the towel. But am I that type of person? Would I simply label my dreams as illusions? Hell no!
I’m a fighter. I choose to square off with the beast in front of me instead of curling up in a ball and playing dead.
I’ll take it head-on, one sentence at a time, one sweat-soaked workout at a time, and one dream at a time.
Even if the mountain ahead is as massive as Mount Everest, and all I’ve got is a tiny pickaxe, I’m going in swinging.
Because this journey isn’t about winning every time; it’s about the unyielding spirit to keep moving forward, conquer the challenges, and embrace the wild, unpredictable rollercoaster that is life.
New Pieces
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Thanks for sharing the stats on your earnings from Medium. I know this was not the goal of your article but it is still insightful on the level of "passive" income that the program can generate. Medium, Substack and others all have the same model, you get a share of their revenues. If their revenues are slowing down, you get the same share of a smaller pie. And then, they will reward the writers that create more traffic for them.
And on your topic of self confdence in situations that throw setback at you, I think it is normal to reflect on your situation and wonder if the battle is worth the fight. It is more about figuring what you will gain out of it. You may lose this fight but you may win on experience for the next fight. You may decide not to despair and keep fighting but at the same time to keep fighting a battle you cannot win, can be a waste of energy that could be put to a better use. No one can make that decision for you.